the waiting is killing me

Something is coming. I’m not sure what.

I definitely know that I’m in an in-between time. I know what’s leaving and what I’m leaving. But I’m not sure what’s next. I do know it’s going to be big. Okay, big-ish. It feels like the waiting is killing me. On Monday, I can’t wait for the next weekend. On Friday, I’m looking forward to Sunday morning. On Sunday, I’m looking forward to Tuesday afternoon swimming and Thursday night rehearsal. I love anticipation but looking forward always means waiting.

That’s a frustrating place for someone like me to be. Is it for you?

We are always evolving. Things do always change. Some things stay. Some disappear. Some fulfill their purpose. Some don’t and leave anyway. Some things stay with us for a long, long time. What looks like the quilt of our lives is really more like a kaleidoscope, in that little pieces are changing colors, shapes and position all the time and creating a colorful new design in this moment in time.

I know that things are changing for me because I’m starting to do different things – things I haven’t done in a few years. Some of these things seemed so difficult to even think about even a few months ago. And now, ho hum, I just do them. Not hard. No rebellion or tantrums. Just what I do.

I know things are changing because social life is becoming more and more possible. We are rehearsing without masks (oh hallelujah!). I went to a birthday garden party and met some people I had only known over Zoom for the last two years. I only drank water, but I felt like I had a hangover from the socialness of it all!

I know things are changing because I’m getting pissy and grouchy and irritated with some of the ideas and behaviors I’ve been surrounded by – and I have named them “the old ideas and behaviors.”  That’s my not very subtle way of naming it! I am also feeling a compulsion to name what needs to change and what the new ideas need to be. For me that compulsion is a bit like when my cat has to cough up a hairball. It’s not really an elegant process.

I know things are changing because I just took a 5-minute break to look out my window and watch the birds flirt and work on their nests.

I have heard that the breath between actions is where all the good stuff happens; that more actually happens in relaxation than we think. Don’t push. Be patient. Let the bread rise.

You know what? That sounds like a winter point of view.

But now it’s spring.

Spring is when I get an itchy feeling inside. All day long the sun says, “come out and play with me.”  In the long evening there’s that magic that smells like freshly cut lawn, sounds like frogs singing to the moon and feels like childhood games that need playing.

Spring feels like something good is coming. Changes are afoot. I just don’t know what the kaleidoscope looks like yet.

Is it the same for you?

In the meantime, remember these things: You are loved. We are all loved. Let’s all be kind. And in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,



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