BS File #13: Kindness is Weak and Juvenile

The BS Files are kinda like the X-files – full of myths and urban legends and mysterious things. I feel that it is my duty to tackle them (occasionally). Because, you know, the truth is out there.

Case #13. Kindness is weak and juvenile. Bullsh*t!

It’s definitely time for another case from the BS files.

I was talking to someone yesterday, and she was telling me how she wanted to handle a situation with an ex with kindness. He was trying to tell her that he didn’t need her kindness, he needed her to change – that kindness was juvenile and ineffective.

I screamed Bullsh*t!!! (inside my head, that is) and knew that I had to get on the case.

First, let’s be really clear on what kindness is and is not. Kindness is not weakness.

Kindness is not telling someone something they want to hear because it takes the fight out of them.

Kindness is not lying to make someone feel better.

Kindness is not telling a woman to smile because it makes her face prettier.

Kindness is not sweeping the truth under the doormat, and kindness is also not being the doormat.

Kindness can be fierce, it can be gentle, it can be healing and it can be challenging. Google says that kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Pyschology Today says “while kindness has a connotation of meaning someone is naive or weak, that is not the case. Being kind often requires courage and strength.” Amen, sister!

Second, we all need kindness. When someone is kind to us, we feel seen, heard, cared for and worthy.

Third, kindness is extremely effective. I believe that most of the time it is effective to deliver difficult messages kindly, because when people feel heard, they are less likely to be defensive and more likely to listen.  It definitely doesn’t work all the time, but worth trying first.

Finally, juvenile? Really? You’re the one who’s being juvenile! And you stink!… Sometimes it takes all of our adulting skills to find the kindness within. We have keep ourselves from just reacting. We have to stop, breathe, and choose how we want to be. Oh! Mindful. Intentional. Deliberate. Yeah, that adulting stuff is hard.

These just happen to be great times to experiment with kindness. Watch how big an impact a little kindness can make.

Truth: A little kindness is courage that goes a long way.

Calling “Bullsh*t!” can be a kindness, BTW.

And remember: in all things – progress, not perfection!

Love and light,



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